


Choking But Not In A Sexy Way

by JinxedForever



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Angela "Mercy" Ziegler is an Angel, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Archery, Asphyxiation, Blood and Injury, Boys In Love, Brother Feels, Brotherhood, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Brothers, Child Abuse, Choking, Complete, Cowboy Hats, Crying, Cyborg Genji Shimada, Dirty Jokes, Established Relationship, Family, Family Issues, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Guilt, Hacking, Hanzo Shimada Angst, Hanzo Shimada Needs a Hug, Hanzo Shimada has Anxiety, Hanzo Shimada has Issues, Hanzo Shimada-centric, Heavy Angst, Hurt Hanzo Shimada, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Injury, Injury Recovery, Jesse McCree & Genji Shimada Are Best Friends, Jesse McCree Has PTSD, Jesse McCree-centric, Latino Jesse McCree, Little Brothers, Loss of Limbs, Love, Lullabies, M/M, Major Character Injury, Male-Female Friendship, Men Crying, Mentioned Reaper | Gabriel Reyes, Mentioned Sombra | Olivia Colomar, Minor Injuries, Mission Fic, Mission Related, Mission Reports, Missions, Missions Gone Wrong, Mom Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Overwatch Family, Overwatch Recall, POV Alternating, POV Hanzo Shimada, POV Jesse McCree, POV Male Character, POV Multiple, Pain, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Fall of Overwatch, Post-Mission, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prosthesis, Protective Genji Shimada, Protective Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison, Protective Team, Reaper | Gabriel Reyes is a Softie, Redemption, Relationship(s), Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Samurai, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Sombra | Olivia Colomar is a Little Shit, Strangulation, Suicide Attempt, Sweet Jesse McCree, Team, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Team Feels, Team Fluff, Team as Family, Teambuilding, Teamwork, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22525684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinxedForever/pseuds/JinxedForever
Summary: A "simple" mission to scope out an "abandoned" Talon base goes awry when an undetectable hacker takes control of McCree's prosthetic arm and forces him to use it to injure Hanzo. Alone with the incapacitated archer and unable to call for backup, McCree tries everything he can think of to stop himself from killing the love of his life, leaving them both at the mercy of a hair's breadth between life and death. Even if they manage to make it out of the attack alive, neither of them are sure their relationship can take the damage."Hanzo’s wide, dark eyes were trained on his in a silent, fearful plea, pink lips he’d kissed soft a hundred times over parted and trembling as he tried and failed to breathe."
Relationships: Genji Shimada & Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Genji Shimada & Hana "D.Va" Song, Genji Shimada & Hanzo Shimada, Genji Shimada & Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison, Hana "D.Va" Song & Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Hanzo Shimada & Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Hanzo Shimada & Hana "D.Va" Song, Hanzo Shimada & Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison, Jesse McCree & Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Jesse McCree & Everyone, Jesse McCree & Genji Shimada, Jesse McCree & Hana "D.Va" Song, Jesse McCree & Overwatch Ensemble, Jesse McCree & Reaper | Gabriel Reyes, Jesse McCree & Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison, Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada, Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison & Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison & Hana "D.Va" Song
Comments: 35
Kudos: 207





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! I'm so excited to finally get to share this fic with you. I wanted to completely finish it before I uploaded the first chapter, and aside from a few minor edits on the last chapter, it's done, and I'm ready post it. I have been working very hard on this for the past couple of months, and I am very happy with how it turned out. I hope you are too! I am not sure I should be posting this with the current title, but I jokingly titled it that when I first started working on it, and now it has stuck and I can't think of anything else, so here we are. I will upload the next chapter in about a week or so, so look out for it!! I hope you enjoy!! Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated!!

Jesse leaned back against a thick wooden railing overlooking an expansive, empty training area and stuck a cigar between his teeth, flicking his lighter to life and watching the weak flame sputter against the breeze licking up his shirt in cold tendrils. The grounds they’d been sent to canvas for Talon activity were built to hold up well, but McCree’s guess was that they weren’t going to find jack shit around here, let alone actually run into any operatives. He and Hanzo were the first to complete the check on their designated section of the base - well, he’d named it clear, Hanzo wasn’t so easily convinced and was still sniffing around like an incorrigible bloodhound - and so they had to wait on the rest of the partnered pairs to confirm Jesse’s suspicions before they could go home.

Oh, how he was looking forward to a long night’s sleep in his own bed with his archer at his side, gently snoring away and muttering non-sensibly in the ridiculously cute manner Jesse was adamantly forbidden from mentioning. Jesse didn’t think he ever got as good sleep in his life as he did with Hanzo curled up in his arms, and he was fairly certain the same could be said the other way around. He’d asked his Ma once, when he was barely old enough to figure out how to spell love, what love was, and how you knew you felt it. She’d told him that it wasn’t something anyone could give a true meaning to, but that when you were with the right person, the one you loved, it fit. He never could quite puzzle out her minimalistic response until he’d felt the swell of his feelings for Hanzo take him by the core and shake him, until he’d felt Hanzo’s skin under his palms and knew he’d give anything to have just one more moment to touch him, until he’d realized that Hanzo and him _fit_ like two broken shards of glass split in even cracks that lined up so perfectly you couldn’t even tell they were separate.

He peeked at his beloved out of the corner of his eye, pitching forward so he could see Hanzo in the stairwell where he’d been crouching for the past five minutes, fixated on some small, misplaced slat in the wall he was convinced was hiding something. Jesse felt a low, rumbling chuckle fill his throat and his cigar dislodged slightly as he grinned toothily at the archer.

“Honeybee, you’re obsessing,” he drawled, shuffling over to the top of the sloping stairwell leading down to the main floor. “I’m just about certain there’s no Talon activity here, and that all you’re gonna find in there is some poor sod’s dildo collection.”

The flare of red at the tips of Hanzo’s ears at his joke was nothing short of adorable, and the response he got was clipped and flustered. “Must you torment me with your tasteless jokes even while we’re on assignment?”

Jesse laughed, a hand on his stomach. “Aw, Han, if not for dirty jokes, then what’m I here for? Besides, it’s not like you’re a blushing virgin, despite what your ears say otherwise.”

Hanzo’s fingers flit from digging into the wooden slats of the wall to cover his ears, and he cut McCree a glare that would have less experienced men scurrying like mice from a barn cat. Jesse just grinned widely in the face of it. After a moment of silence, Hanzo’s lips pulled into a slight pout and he turned back to what he was doing, brushing off Jesse’s attempt at a conversation in favor of toying with a piece of wood.

_If only he was focused on a more interesting piece of wood._

Jesse rolled his eyes at himself, groaning slightly and finally lighting his cigar, and returned to lurking at the railing of the balcony, tuning into the chatter from his earpiece. There was a soft crackle of static for a split second before Angela’s voice chimed in to announce that she and Jack were done checking their area of the base and had also found nothing. It was unusual for there to be any sort of electronic interference on the comms, but Jesse guessed a few technical bugs here and there were to be expected. They’d just started going on actual missions after all, and they hadn’t fully worked the kinks of Overwatch 2.0 out yet. Even though they’d expected this mission to be a bust, it would have been nice if they’d gotten any sort of payout from it, some information or a stray Talon agent to interrogate, but it seemed they were having no such luck.

“Jesse,” Hanzo’s voice rang out from the hallway, and he strode out of it with a small item pinched between his fingers. It looked like a data chip. A very discreet smirk was tucked into the corner of his mouth, and it made Jesse’s heart swell with pride. It was unusual for Hanzo to display any sort of true self-confidence, his self-righteous act set aside, and every time Jesse witnessed it, he had to fight back the overwhelming urge to ruffle Hanzo’s hair and shower him in an absurd amount of praise for a man his age. Any scrap of happiness he could buy for his archer, he would.

“Well I’ll be damned! Looks like you really were onto somethin’,” Jesse crooned, flicking some ash off his cigar and leaning in to inspect the chip.

Hanzo preened a bit, his smirk growing. “And you doubted me,” he huffed, his lips twitching like he was fighting a smile.

“Sugar, you always exceed my wildest expectations.” Jesse grinned and palmed Hanzo’s cheek, eyes darting over his face to try and commit the delighted expression to memory before it was gone.

Hanzo’s cheeks grew a little pink, and he ducked his head, trying to hide behind his bangs. “Jesse,” he chided, “we’re on assignment.”

The playful retort sitting on Jesse’s tongue withered as his comm crackled again and then died completely, an eerie silence replacing the quiet background noise the comm was supposed to make when it was on.

“Wha-” he started.

An electronic tinkling sound itched at the back of his head, and his nervous system suddenly frayed, a shock of something disconnecting where it wasn’t supposed to shrieking through his body. He sucked in a painful breath, frantically trying to blink away the hazy black spots blooming in the corners of his vision as he tried to comprehend what had just happened. He opened his mouth to speak, but a soft, choked inhale rang in his ears, effectively cutting him off.

He desperately forced his vision to refocus and found himself staring down the length of his prosthetic arm, all the way to where his hand met Hanzo’s neck. Jesse’s metal fingers were cinched tightly around the archer’s throat, having cruelly embedded themselves in his pale skin and pressed him back against a wall. Hanzo’s wide, dark eyes were trained on his in a silent, fearful plea, pink lips he’d kissed soft a hundred times over parted and trembling as he tried and failed to breathe.

Jesse yelped in surprise, panic racing through him as he desperately tried to rip his arm away from Hanzo to no avail, the neurosensors in his prosthetic completely unresponsive to his commands. He brought his flesh hand up and attempted to wriggle his fingers between Hanzo’s neck and his metal palm, but there was no give. The only thing the attempt brought him was the horrifying feeling of Hanzo’s rapidly fluttering heartbeat under his fingertips and a wave of guilt for being the cause. Tears stung at the backs of his eyes, and nausea curled in his stomach.

“Je-ess-e?” Hanzo wheezed, his hands weakly braced on McCree’s metal arm, his heels gently scraping against the wall behind him as his body arched involuntarily, craning to search for an air supply he couldn’t reach.

Jesse hiccupped on a sob, and he faintly felt tears beginning to track down his cheeks. The surge of fear inside him was so strong his jaw hurt from trying to hold it in. “Hanzo, oh god, I can’t control it, it won’t move, I can’t-” he rushed out, short of breath and frantic, wrapping his flesh hand around his metal wrist and _pulling_.

His fingers slipped in his hysteria and he lost his grip, keeling forwards from the force of it. Hanzo hacked painfully, once, and Jesse felt a weak exhale against his cheek. Jesse shouted wordlessly, hopeless dread winding barbed chains around his heart. He activated his comm and desperately rambled out their location and a brief summary of what was happening, begging someone to come help, and was met with silence and the soft murmur of static. Hanzo struggled half-heartedly, twisting his body to try and escape Jesse’s grasp, and Jesse had never hated himself as much as he did in that moment, watching his lover, his partner, uselessly trying to escape his hands, his touch, as he strangled the life out of him.

“Han-zo,” he sobbed, vision blurring from the onslaught of his own tears, and he yanked at his metal thumb, “FUCK!”

All of a sudden, an idea came to his mind like a floodlight through the suffocating fog of his panic. Jesse tore at the sleeve covering his elbow, ripping it away to search for the switch that detached his prosthetic. His fingers scrabbled uselessly against dense metal, failing to find the innocuous groove that could save Hanzo’s life. Hanzo’s hand was in Jesse’s beard now, his thumb brushing down his jaw. He knew without looking or asking that Hanzo was savoring what he had convinced himself were his final moments.

A scream of Hanzo’s name tore out of his throat at his lover’s gentle touch, along with another useless cry for help. Their team was too far away to hear him, and the comms were down. They were alone, and if Jesse couldn’t figure out how to stop this, it would be over in the next couple of minutes. Even though his arm was locked in place and out of his control, he could still feel the sensations of touching Hanzo’s neck from his metal palm. The soft rasp of Hanzo’s breaths had slowed, the strong throb of his heartbeat fading to a dull, irregular pulse.

Jesse babbled something in relief as his index finger caught on the switch, fumbling to pull it, and his heart soared as he heard the obnoxious _click_ it made to signify the detachment. He smiled weakly through his tears, taking hiccupping breaths and blinking the film from his eyes. He gently tugged at the port, but instead of unlocking like it was supposed to, it held strong, resisting his attempt to detach the arm. Hanzo gulped in a greedy breath, his eyes fluttering open from where they’d grown hooded.

“No, no, no,” Jesse mumbled, “it’s not working, shit!”

It had bought Hanzo a few precious seconds to suck some air into his empty lungs, but that was it. As soon as the technology realized what Jesse was trying to do, the hack would revert the switch and they’d be back to square one. Jesse cursed repeatedly, falling over his own half-formed words until he was just muttering some nonsensical combination of letters, and he tugged violently at the port, begging for the arm to disconnect from his stump.

“I love you, Jesse,” Hanzo wheezed breathlessly, his touch soft on Jesse’s shoulders. “It’s okay, it’s oka-”

He cut off with a strangled squeak as Jesse’s fingers squeezed ruthlessly, and Jesse screamed, a wildfire of pain searing inside of him as Hanzo’s hands trembled and fell away. Jesse scraped his nails against the port connecting his bicep to his prosthetic, knowing it was a futile effort and he didn’t have enough time, but determined to try and cut himself away anyway. He cried out pleas to every deity he’d ever heard the name of, shamelessly begging them to help him, to save the man he loved more than anything, to kill Jesse so he wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of murdering his beloved. Blood beaded under his fingernails and ran in thin streams down his arm to soak into the metal plating of his prosthetic.

He startled as gentle, trembling hands grasped onto his, weakly tugging his fingers away from the gashes he’d made in his own skin. Jesse looked up to meet Hanzo’s eyes. A dull, fading determination swam in the chocolate depths of his irises, and Hanzo’s reddened, twisted face attempted to mimic something like a reassuring smile. Jesse sobbed openly, wailing for his team, trying his earpiece again only to receive the same result, and tore his hand away from Hanzo’s weak grip. He couldn’t bear the soft, comforting touch. He couldn’t bear the thought of killing Hanzo, and it was becoming more of a possibility with every second he hesitated.

Jesse blindly grappled for Peacekeeper, finding her handle with ease and letting the smooth leather of her grip calm him as he brought the barrel to his temple. His prosthetic was designed to be battle and bulletproof, and a shot this close could easily ricochet and kill Hanzo faster than strangling him would. There was no other way. Hanzo’s struggles renewed with extra vigor, and he choked out a few syllables of Jesse’s name, a quiet, desperate cry for him. Hanzo’s hands twitched uselessly at his sides. His pulse quivered against Jesse’s palm. Jesse’s finger tightened on the trigger.

“JESSE, STOP!” A shrill scream echoed in his ears, shocking him enough that his aim jolted and the bullet that was right on track for burrowing into his brain matter skidded off the wooden railing beside him instead.

Adrenaline burst through him, and he lost his grip on Peacekeeper, sending the gun clattering to his feet. An enraged yell bubbled in his chest, but it rapidly shifted into a howl of pain as something cleaved through his metal arm like it was water, and a shower of sparks lit his vision. Flashes of blinding agony shrieked up the remainder of his arm and he gasped out a scream, his knees giving out from under him and sending him crashing to his side. His hand wrapped around the base of the cut, the jagged metal plating slicing into his fingers, but it was nothing compared to the fire in his veins and the traumatizing memory of when he’d initially lost the limb latching onto his mind and _pulling._

He forced himself to focus, to stay grounded just long enough to know Hanzo was alive. He grunted and dragged himself to an upright angle from where he lay on his stomach, propping himself up on his flesh arm and shaking violently from the effort.

“Hanzo,” he groaned, “Hanzo…”

A soft shifting of fabric, and calloused palms brushed his forehead and shoulder. “I’m here,” he rasped. “I’m alright Jesse, I’m alive.”

Jesse hiccupped, sobs of relief spilling out of him unbidden. “Oh, thank god,” he whispered, his voice cracking pathetically as he braced himself against another wave of pain.

He dropped to the floor, overexerted muscles protesting the attempt to keep him upright. After a moment, he was gently maneuvered so his head was in someone’s lap. He clutched at his stump, locking his jaw as another scream rose in his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut and fought to breathe through the pain, scuffing his heels against the floor as he reminded himself that this wasn’t the first time he’d felt this pain, and he’d gotten through it once before, so he could do it again.

“We have to override the hack somehow; he can still feel what’s left of his prosthetic.”

“Our first priority should be getting out of here. We don’t know how this happened and we can’t risk it happening again.”

“Genji, you pose the highest risk of being hacked. Do not leave our sight and sound off immediately if you feel anything strange. Hanzo, how did this happen?”

“I don’t know,” he croaked, “there was no indication.”

Someone swore in another language Jesse didn’t have the presence of mind to place.

An abnormally heavy hand dropped on Jesse’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “I am sorry, my friend. I did not wish to cause you such pain. We will get you to safety.”

“Hanzo, please stay where you are. Don’t get up.”

“I am fine.”

“If you stand up right now, you will faint- and there he goes.” Someone sighed in exasperation as Jesse heard a heavy rustle of fabric and a clink of metal on metal.

“You’ve got him? We’ll take Jesse.”

Their voices slowly faded away, shrouded and warped by memories long buried and frozen over pumping to life with the fresh blood of trauma. He shuddered violently, aching to clutch at the stump of his arm but unable to move. Commander Reyes’s worried, rasping voice filled his ears, a rumbling vibration rattling his teeth in his skull. Gravity shifted, Jesse’s limbs dangling uselessly as he was picked up and secured tightly to someone’s chest. He blinked lazily, counting individual threads on a black beanie so familiar it ached.

“I’ve got you, kid,” a gruff voice assured him, one that wasn’t Gabe’s but was just as dear to him.

Jesse felt like a teenager again, small and hopeless, in trouble for a rap sheet so long the end would curl off the side of the interrogation table. He felt insecure, wondering if he really was his father’s son just like everyone’d told him, even though his stomach had rebelled and bile had crept up his throat when his father showed him what it was to be a man, when he shoved a gun in Jesse’s hands and told him where to point it.

His Ma had also told him, once, that love could be poisoned, like ink in water. A love once clear and bright could be distorted by a simple slip of the fingers, until the darkness polluting it engulfed the feeling entirely. Jesse supposed he had ended up like his father after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I'm always curious to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. Kudos are also much appreciated!! 
> 
> Come hang out with me on Twitter!! I'll be posting some previews of the next chapter there before it goes up!!  
> [Link To My Ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/sequoiagartnerway)  
> Twitter: @Jinxed__Forever  
> [Link To My Twitter](https://twitter.com/Jinxed__Forever)  
> Tumblr: @jinxed-forever  
> Instagram: @jinxed_forever


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Han…” he croaked, flesh hand coming up to clumsily cup Hanzo’s cheek. A tear slid over Jesse’s nose and down his jaw, disappearing into his beard. “I’m so sorry.”
> 
> “Shh… shh… Jesse, it is alright. I am fine.”
> 
> Jesse’s hand drifted down to Hanzo’s collar, where he fisted the fabric and gave a few weak tugs. “Unforgivable…” he whispered. “’m a monster.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Happy early Valentine's Day!! This has nothing to do with Valentine's but it's right around the corner so... close enough! Here's the next chapter, with a little Hanzo POV. I am very happy with how this one turned out, so I hope you all will enjoy it as well! Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated!! I got some thoughtful responses on the last chapter, and they made me very happy, thank you again!!

Hanzo was awoken by the disorienting rumble of turbulence, cracking his eyes open and immediately flinching from the bright white lights of the transport ship. As he turned his head, a volley of sharp pains erupted in his neck, and the memories of what had happened before he’d fallen unconscious broke through the surface of his grogginess. He jolted into a sitting position and his hands immediately went to unhook the strap from around his waist securing him to the cot, only to find that his right arm was being held captive by a slumbering Hana. She roused at his movements, blinking bleary eyes open and giving him a dopey smile.

“Y’re awake,” she slurred, letting go of Hanzo’s hand to push back the strands of hair stuck to her cheeks.

“Indeed.” Hanzo turned his shoulders and looked around the rest of the transport. “Where’s Jesse?”

“Angela’s got him in the back. He’s been hallucinating and freaking out; she wanted to keep him close to the sedatives…” Hana trailed off, nodding toward the walled-off room at the rear of the ship.

Hanzo grunted, unclipping the belt from around his waist and swinging his legs over the side of the cot. His feet hit the ground a little too hard, and he winced as the reverberations shuddered through his calves. He’d forgotten the way suffocation exhausts one’s muscles.

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea to go in there right now. Angela is having enough trouble with Jesse, I don’t know if it’s wise to tick her off even more by being up and about, Han.”

Hanzo steadied himself, closing his eyes for a moment to attune his body to the uneven swaying of the aircraft, and put a gentle hand on Hana’s shoulder to reassure her. “I cannot stay here while Jesse is suffering.”

Hana’s hand came up to cover his. “I know, Han,” she murmured with a bittersweet smile. “Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when Angela yells at you later.”

Hanzo swallowed thickly, forcing down a wince. “Noted.”

“I’m glad you’re alright.”

Hanzo gave her shoulder a squeeze and let go, walking towards the back of the ship to find Jesse. He had almost died. Jesse had almost died for him. Hanzo chided himself for letting his guard down on what seemed like a “safe” mission, only to nearly force his partner to take a bullet for him. The sight of Peacekeeper’s barrel pressed to Jesse’s temple was enough to stop his heart before the lack of air would have. A slight tremor shook his fingers as he input an all-use entry code to open the door separating him from Jesse. It slid into the wall with a soft _whoosh_ and Hanzo was suddenly privy to the chaos unfolding inside.

Jesse was shirtless and pressed to the operating table in the center of the room, his flesh hand clasped onto Jack’s face to shove him back as the older man struggled to keep Jesse still. Genji was at the other end of the table, holding Jesse’s legs down. Dr. Ziegler stood with her back to the rest of them, muttering furiously to herself and wincing as Jesse audibly slammed a foot into Genji’s shoulder. Jesse was clearly hysterical, panicked and unseeing, lashing out at who he must see as attackers.

“Hanzo…” Genji murmured.

Hanzo approached Jesse calmly, sliding a hand across his shoulder and down to where his stump connected with his broken prosthetic. The skin around the metal port was inflamed and streaked with raised veins, and the leftovers of his prosthetic sparked, torn cords dangling from the metal casing. It looked incredibly painful, even if you only considered the physical aspect of the damage. The fear in Jesse’s unfocused eyes told another story of pain.

Hanzo had never quite gotten him to confess what had happened to his arm; every time he tried, Jesse either tried to divert his attention or clammed up and went into what Hanzo had recently learned was called a fugue state. He couldn’t bear to ask him again after witnessing the reaction he’d unknowingly triggered the last time he’d dared to bring it up.

Jesse flinched at Hanzo’s touch, gnashing his teeth and throwing his head back with a cry. Hanzo pressed his other hand to Jesse’s bare chest. It was slick with sweat and heaved with panicked breaths; his heartbeat thundered under Hanzo’s palm. The archer leaned over his partner, gently trailing his nose along Jesse’s cheek until it met his hairline and his lips hovered just a bit above Jesse’s ear. He softly began to recite a poem Jesse’s mother had recited to her child whenever Jesse was injured or ill, a children’s fantasy of life as a justice-seeking cowboy passed down with words even Hanzo’s impeccable English pronunciation struggled to form.

Jesse latched on after hearing a couple lines of the familiar poem, his struggles incrementally dying down until he laid still on the table. Jack and Genji breathed simultaneous sighs of relief. Hanzo brought the hand that was flattened to Jesse’s chest up to cradle the side of his head, running his thumb over his partner’s eyebrow and watching contentedly as a fraction of the tension bunched in his forehead loosened. A near-silent electronical whine sounded as Genji let go of Jesse and stepped back, and Hanzo presumed Jack did the same. Hanzo continued to caress Jesse’s face, speaking soft reassurances to him as his recollection of the poem he’d been reciting ran out of lines.

“Hurts…” Jesse slurred, his body instinctively curling toward the empty space where his arm should be.

Hanzo gently shushed him, brushing a lock of hair away from his face. “I know, love, I know. I have you. You will be alright.”

Jesse huffed in confusion and blinked, dulled eyes wandering up to meet Hanzo’s. Abated panic swam in his irises, making Hanzo’s stomach twist uncomfortably as he forced what he hoped looked like an understanding smile onto his face.

“I have you, Jesse. I am here. Everything is going to be alright,” he repeated.

Jesse’s mouth gaped soundlessly for a moment.

“Han…” he croaked, flesh hand coming up to clumsily cup Hanzo’s cheek. A tear slid over Jesse’s nose and down his jaw, disappearing into his beard. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shh… shh… Jesse, it is alright. I am fine.”

Jesse’s hand drifted down to Hanzo’s collar, where he fisted the fabric and gave a few weak tugs. “Unforgivable…” he whispered. “’m a monster.”

Hanzo frowned. “No, Jess.”

Jesse shuddered and let out a sob, trailing off into indecipherable murmurs.

Hanzo looked up to see Dr. Ziegler hovering next to Jesse’s thigh, a syringe braced in her hand. She plunged it into his leg a moment later, and Jesse flinched and gasped in surprise. Hanzo combed his fingers through his hair, aiming to calm him as the sedative was pushed through his system. It only took a moment for Jesse’s eyes to roll back in his head and his hand to go limp. Hanzo gently took his arm and set it down on his opposite side, pushing Jesse so his back was flat against the examination table.

“How long will that sedative last, Doc,” Jack asked, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall.

“It should keep him down until we can land and get him to the med bay. I paged Torbjorn to prepare for our arrival. I’m sure he will be able to help erase the hack and reattach the arm.”

Genji hummed sadly, and Hanzo winced at the feedback from his brother’s voice box trying to form the soft sound correctly. Genji’s fingers drifted lightly over Jesse’s detached prosthetic.

Hanzo idly thumbed through Jesse’s beard. “He will be able to reattach the arm successfully. It will have full function?”

Dr. Ziegler nodded. “The cut Genji made was clean. Torbjorn shouldn’t have to make a new one, maybe just replace some of the plating so it looks seamless.”

Hanzo hummed, doubtful.

“If Jesse requires a new arm, we will make him one,” Dr. Ziegler added pointedly.

Hanzo grunted his acknowledgement, his muscles relaxing a fraction. Dr. Ziegler cleared her throat, and Hanzo glanced up to find her staring at him disappointedly.

“I appreciate your assistance in calming Jesse down, but you should be resting Hanzo.”

Hanzo eyed Jesse nervously, understanding that she wanted him to leave but wary of leaving Jesse after everything he’d just witnessed.

“He’ll be out for the rest of the trip, and probably for a few hours after we get to the base, Hanzo. I have treated Jesse in the past, there is no reason he would react differently to the sedative I gave him now than he would have then.”

Hanzo resigned, pulling his wandering hands away from Jesse and tucking them by his sides. “Understood.”

He knew his professionalism had already been almost completely decimated by Jesse’s constant displays of public affection, but he was hoping to maintain what he had left. Clinging to Jesse wasn’t going to achieve that goal. Hanzo turned on his heel and strode back into the main section of the transport, followed by the soft clink of metal heels. As Hanzo took a seat and pulled out his data pad, Genji gracefully planted himself beside Hanzo, knocking knees with the archer and tilting his head in a way that told Hanzo he wasn’t about to get the peace and quiet he craved.

“I’m glad you are alright, brother,” Genji murmured, fingers twitching in his lap as if he wanted to reach out but was stopping himself.

Hanzo replied with a short nod that sent a spike of pain through his neck. He shoved down the resulting wince.

“I suppose there’s no way I’m going to convince you to lay back down and rest until we get back to base, then?”

Hanzo absently scrolled through Hana’s detailed report on the mission they were currently returning from. “While I appreciate the concern, I am fine. If you insist on worrying over someone, do so over Jesse. His injuries are far worse.”

“His pain does not negate yours, Hanzo,” the cyborg replied, finally giving in and gently placing his hand on Hanzo’s shoulder.

“It is nothing I cannot handle.”

Genji sighed softly, the pads of his synthetic fingers brushing down the back of Hanzo’s shoulder. “Always so stubborn.”

“Indeed,” Hanzo replied, clipped.

Genji removed his hand and leaned back in his seat, stretching his cybernetic limbs out in front of him and scuffing his heels on the floor, resulting in an unappealing shriek of metal on metal. This time, Hanzo did wince. He could feel a migraine forming behind his eyes. He went back to scanning the document Hana had written up. It was thorough and well put together; Hanzo had a hard time remembering why he had originally assumed the girl would be more of a nuisance on the field than anything else. Looking back, he had made a lot of snap judgements about the members of Overwatch, all of which had been proven false the longer he stayed with them.

Genji stirred. “I was so scared when I saw you two like that, Hanzo.”

Hanzo blinked. _What?_

“I’ve been friends with Jesse for years, and the second I got close enough to see what he was going to do, the look on his face, I felt horrible for the assumption I made at first glance, but… when we had just stumbled upon you two, and I saw him pinning you to the wall like that, I-“ Genji stopped, took a deep breath. His vents hissed.

Hanzo’s grip tightened around the data pad. Apprehension rose in his chest, bubbling thick and hot. The fact that Genji could even think that for a second-

“I couldn’t help but think about that night father finally caught you sneaking me back into the castle. I only remember the night in bits and pieces, but I remember that I was terrified, and I thought… I thought he was going to kill you, and it would have been my fault.”

All of Hanzo’s anger left him in a rush. He remembered that night too. Genji rarely saw their father’s violent fits, and they were never directed at his youngest son, but Hanzo recalled wishing he’d gotten Genji to his room more quickly so he didn’t have to witness their father in such a state. It had followed an exhausting day of training, which had led Hanzo to be a fraction slower than he always was sneaking Genji inside, and that had been enough.

“Father would never have killed me,” Hanzo murmured, setting the data pad down in his lap and staring at his hands. His eyes trailed from his calloused palms up to the dragon tattoo etched into his skin. “I was too valuable an asset to him.”

“Hanzo…” Genji murmured softly, his voice box whining.

Pity from Genji was the last thing Hanzo wanted. His brother, who he’d cut down and left for dead, lamenting over Hanzo’s injuries and childhood traumas as if he didn’t have enough of his own issues to deal with. Genji reached out, and Hanzo pulled away, unable to bear his offered comfort.

“Enough,” he said firmly. Then softer, “Jesse would never hurt me.”

Genji paused for a long moment. “I know, Hanzo.”

Hanzo didn’t reply, and Genji shifted restlessly beside him. Hanzo wished he could be a better brother, be an easier person to redeem. He wished he didn’t cause his brother so much heartache, still, even after all these years of time spent apart; time during which Genji learned to forgive Hanzo’s egregious errors and sought him out to grant him forgiveness he didn’t deserve. Hanzo was growing used to taking advantage of things he didn’t deserve. A brother, a man to love who loved him back, a team, a family – a real one.

“Thank you Genji,” Hanzo rasped, blinking back the wetness in his eyes. “For worrying about me. For caring.”

Genji made a noise of delight that Hanzo couldn’t describe if he wanted to and flung his heavy arms around Hanzo’s shoulders, pressing the little horns at the top of his helmet into Hanzo’s hair. Hanzo hesitantly reached a hand up and wrapped it around Genji’s forearm, subtly returning the hug. He faintly heard the shutter of a camera go off, probably Hana, but he chose to ignore it just this once.

The door to the back room slid open and Hanzo deftly ducked out of Genji’s grasp, stalking over to the neat pile of his things pushed under the cot set out for him to search for his water bottle. What had started out as a distraction tactic ended up being incredibly soothing on his aching throat, and he savored the feeling as Jack announced from behind him that they would be arriving soon, so everyone should strap in for landing. He obeyed the request, double checking that he was secured in his seat as the transport began to descend.

In the following moment of quiet, his thoughts drifted to his ineptitude during the mission and Jesse’s subsequent injury. He chided himself for letting his guard down on what he had instinctively felt wouldn’t be as simple an assignment as everyone insisted. If Genji hadn’t shown up, Jesse very well could have shot himself, and Hanzo would have had to see the last, horrified, expression his lover would ever make. He buried his face in his hands as the ship jostled once, then slowed.

Once they were on the ground, Hanzo diligently tailed Jesse’s gurney to the med bay. He fetched Torbjorn as Dr. Ziegler hooked Jesse up to a variety of machines that were supposedly going to help trace the hack so they could fix it. Hanzo stood by and helped where he could as the two experts got to work, sending out a prayer to any god that might still be willing to listen to his pleas that Jesse would be back on his feet soon so Hanzo could chide him for being so willing to sacrifice himself.

They were planning to keep Jesse sedated for long enough that Hanzo allowed himself to be shooed out of the room so he could freshen up. He did so, and ate something for good measure. He examined the ring of bruises forming around his neck with a grimace and dug around in his things for a scarf before being forced to admit to himself that he only had five sets of clothes and none of them included anything he could plausibly use to hide the marks. He begrudgingly asked his brother for assistance, and Genji proceeded to take up nearly two whole hours trying to coordinate a scarf to Hanzo’s outfit. Hanzo didn’t comment on the sad noise Genji had made when he’d gotten a look at Hanzo’s injuries in a better light. He’d had enough emotions for one day, and Genji seemed content flitting around his own room on a mission to assist Hanzo with his “dismal fashion tastes.”

Hanzo had to awkwardly prod Dr. Ziegler into allowing him to stay the night in the med bay with Jesse, but the doctor had learned by now that Hanzo was as stubborn as a goat and she might as well not fight it on the condition that Hanzo not get in her way. By the afternoon of the next day, as Hanzo was just putting the finishing touches on his mission report, Dr. Ziegler and Torbjorn announced that they had completed the repairs and reattachment of Jesse’s arm and had combed through every single hackable bit of the prosthetic, hardware and software, to make sure there were no traces of the hack left. Hanzo took a chair to the side of Jesse’s bed and held onto his flesh hand as they weaned him off the sedative and Jesse began to stir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!! I'd love to hear your thoughts and reactions down in the comments section below. Kudos are also very much appreciated!! I have been wrestling with the next chapter a bit, so I will either break up the last chapter and post a chapter about the same length as this one in a week or so, or I will hold off and make the final chapter about twice the length of this one and post it in about two weeks. Either way, keep an eye out for it! I'll post on Twitter when I'm planning to publish the next chapter when I've decided! In general, what length of chapters do you prefer? What did you think of this chapter, and Hanzo's interactions with Jesse as well as the rest of the team? I always love to hear your thoughts!! Any favorite quotes from this one? I was struggling to find my favorite to post a teaser earlier this week, I'm curious if any part spoke to you in particular. Anyway, excuse my rambling. Thank you so very much for reading!! See you soon with the next chapter!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. Kudos are also very much appreciated!! I'm curious if you have any predictions about what will happen next. How do you think Hanzo will feel about what happened in this chapter? I'll see you in the next one!!
> 
> Come hang out with me on Twitter!! I'll be posting some previews of the next chapter there before it goes up!!  
> Twitter: @Jinxed__Forever  
> Link To My Twitter  
> Tumblr: @jinxed-forever  
> Instagram: @jinxed_forever


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hands descended on Jesse’s body in a heartbeat, trying to wrench his grip away from his prosthetic, and he fought them, snarling and snapping at their fingers like a wild dog. They were shouting at him, but the white noise crackling in his ears made the words impossible to make out. He was sure he didn’t want to hear them anyway. He felt the tendons in his neck tensing painfully as he pushed all of his strength into trying to rip the metal from his skin, and the artificial nerve endings in his prosthetic violently screamed at him as he abused the technology.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody!! Here we are, back to Jesse's POV, with a good heaping handful of angsty cowboy. It's a good thing he has a great support system, even outside of Hanzo. I wrestled with the beginning of this chapter just a bit, but I got it to a place where I'm happy with it, and I really am proud of the rest of this chapter, so I hope you all will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!! Thank you so much for reading and sticking with this story so far. Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated!!

Jesse woke with a start, spitting a half-choked Spanish curse from his tongue as the bruising grip of his flashbacks began to loosen and release him into consciousness. He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, a hand soothingly petting down his back, and Jesse’s name was softly murmured into his ear, the end of it lilting like a question. He took a couple heaving breaths and blinked slowly, relieved that someone had dimmed the lights to a soft yellow glow. Jesse looked up, catching a brief glimpse of Angela standing on his left side spouting medical gibberish before his gaze drifted to the person standing opposite her. Hanzo.

Jesse found himself unable to look away from Hanzo’s drawn face. His own jaw clenched tightly at the sight of the archer so tense, so tired. His gaze trailed down Hanzo’s arm to where his hand was rubbing Jesse’s shoulder, and Jesse flinched violently. He batted at Hanzo’s hand, and the touch disappeared. Jesse skittered backwards on the thin mattress, taking awkward, halting breaths as he battled with his lungs to let the air in. Hanzo raised his hands slowly in mock surrender as Jesse swallowed roughly and bared his teeth at the man he shared a bed with.

“Don’t touch me,” Jesse choked out, scraping his heels against the mattress and unintentionally tangling the sheets around his legs as he backed up to the very edge of the cot.

Hanzo took a hesitant step forward. “It is alright Jesse, you are safe,” he reassured, in that deep, understanding voice of his privy only to those close to Hanzo, and Jesse wanted to scream.

“You’re not,” he whispered instead, ashamed.

“I am perfectly alright, Jesse. Please, let Dr. Ziegler look at your arm.”

Jesse’s eyes snapped down to the prosthetic that had apparently been reattached to his body without his knowledge while he was sleeping. The metal plates were rattling quietly, trembling from the shivers wracking Jesse. Nausea flipped his stomach over itself, and he was overwhelmed by the urgent need to get the fake arm _off_. His teeth ground together as he brought his flesh hand up just after where the metal part of his false arm started and wrapped his fingers tightly around the prosthetic. He threw his body back against the pillows for momentum and _yanked_ on the abhorrent thing, eliciting two matching, shocked cries from either side of the bed.

Hands descended on Jesse’s body in a heartbeat, trying to wrench his grip away from his prosthetic, and he fought them, snarling and snapping at their fingers like a wild dog. They were shouting at him, but the white noise crackling in his ears made the words impossible to make out. He was sure he didn’t want to hear them anyway. He felt the tendons in his neck tensing painfully as he pushed all of his strength into trying to rip the metal from his skin, and the artificial nerve endings in his prosthetic violently screamed at him as he abused the technology.

A sharp slap across the cheek stunned Jesse into letting go of himself with a shocked gasp. He blinked incredulously, only vaguely recognizing that his wrist was being held in a grip tight enough to grind his bones against each other. He looked up and met Angela’s stern, concerned gaze, her hand still held above Jesse’s head, the skin of her palm tinged pink. She had slapped him then. His cheek stung. He gently worked his jaw, mildly surprised that she would go so far. When he looked down at his arm, he realized why.

The skin of his stump was inflamed and swollen, the newly-healed flesh weak and vulnerable, and tugging on the prosthetic had opened up a few nasty-looking cuts. He very well might have ripped off parts of what was left of his real arm if he’d continued doing what he’d been doing. Jesse sighed heavily, accepting defeat, and leaned back, throwing his other elbow over his eyes.

“Can you just… get it off me,” he whispered, “Please.”

Angela quietly agreed to remove it, and Jesse felt the vague stab of pain from the prosthetic detaching a moment later. The weightlessness that followed made him lift his stump a little involuntarily, and he winced as pain lanced up his shoulder. He calmed down a bit as the threat his mind had created receded, and he felt himself inching back into his body. He could suddenly feel the drying tear tracks on his cheeks, and the soreness in his chest from hyperventilating. He hadn’t had a panic attack that bad in some months.

What followed was a long, awkward moment where no one in the room spoke. Jesse shifted uncomfortably, fully aware that all the attention was on him, and the sound of the sheets rustling beneath him rallied Angela out of her brief silence.

“Will you let me examine you now, Jesse?”

Her voice commanded his attention, but he kept feeling it slip away and back to Hanzo, standing so still beside Jesse’s cot. Jesse shied away from him, the presence of the man he claimed to love yet nearly killed so heavy and oppressing it felt like a boulder was sitting on Jesse’s chest just having him as close as he was. He forced himself to speak, “Hanzo, please leave.”

Silence fell over the room once more. Jesse thought he heard a soft, hurt noise, but it was quickly covered up with an uncomfortable cough. He heard the faint rustle of silk as Hanzo shifted in place.

“Jesse,” Angela murmured, sounding taken aback and offended for Hanzo.

Jesse felt like his ribcage could collapse from all the pressure inside of him. “I don’t want him here,” he whispered, just loud enough for them both to hear. He couldn’t bear Hanzo sitting vigil at his bedside after everything Jesse’d done to him.

“Jesse, what-“ Angela began.

“It is alright,” Hanzo cut her off, quiet, his voice empty, “I will go.”

Jesse didn’t think he could hate himself any more than he already did, but the way Hanzo sounded in that moment crushed what little hope Jesse had been harboring, wings broken but still yearning for the sky. He knew the way he’d dismissed Hanzo would hurt him, but Jesse couldn’t bear to be touched by him so gently, comforted, coddled, in lieu of what’d happened. What Jesse had done. Hanzo slipped silently from the room, and Jesse heard a sharp, disappointed sigh as the door slid shut.

“He did not deserve that, Jesse,” Angela chided sternly.

Jesse stirred restlessly, blinking up at her from under the harsh shadow his arm cast over his eyes. “He didn’t deserve to be strangled half to death either, but here we are.”

“That was not your fault. Pushing him away when he clearly does not hold a grudge against you will not do either of you any good.”

Jesse sat up too quickly, self-hatred and blistering anger scraping along his insides. “I may not have been the one who chose to wrap my fingers around ‘is neck, but I had to feel the way his pulse weakened against my palm. I had to hear him gasping for breath. I had to watch him writhe away from my touch like I was a damn monster.”

“I know, Jesse,” Angela murmured sympathetically, gingerly taking a seat on the edge of his cot. “I know it’s hard, but he doesn’t blame you. He’s been anxiously waiting here for you to wake up, to see that you’re alright.”

Tears stung at Jesse’s eyes. “But that’s the worst part,” he choked out, shoving his hand into his matted, greasy hair.

“What is?”

“The fact that he doesn’t blame me,” Jesse replied, a little too loud, verging on hysterics. “Do you think he’s forgiven me so easily because he knew I never intended to hurt him, or because he expects that kind of treatment from people?”

“You can’t know that without asking him yourself.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” Jesse cried, weakly tugging at his hair. “How am I even supposed to be able to look at him after what I did?”

Angela reached up and gently untangled his hand from his head, laying it on his thigh and squeezing it between her palms. “You are strong Jesse, so strong. I know you love Hanzo, and he loves you. I’ve never seen you so happy in all my years of knowing you than you are with him. Don’t let this be what drives a wedge between you two.”

Jesse’s breath hitched, and a tear slid down his face. He hastily wiped it on his shoulder.

“Hanzo is scared,” Angela admitted quietly. “You may not see it because of all of what’s going on in your head right now, but he’s terrified. He has been since we found you both. The last conscious decision he saw you make was to shoot yourself in the head. He’s respecting your request for space right now, but how do you think he’s feeling? He almost watched you die, too.”

Jesse hiccupped, finally letting himself meet her gaze. The raw, genuine caring and compassion so openly displayed on her face warmed the writhing mass of ice-cold despair nestled just below his ribcage. Angela was the most moral person he knew, and he desperately wanted to trust that she was right about it not being his fault, but-

“I nearly killed him, Angie,” he whispered.

She patted his hand. “But you didn’t. He’s alive and breathing. He’s waiting for you to come back to him.”

Jesse nodded, sniffling. “Okay,” he murmured, too worn out to argue with her straight-forward, logical way of looking at the situation, “okay.” He wanted to believe her so badly, it ached.

Angela sat up straighter and gave his hand another pat. “Good. Now, how about we take a look at you?”

Jesse half-heartedly complied with her routine check-up. Overall, she deemed him fine aside from the injuries he had reopened during his panic attack. She gave him some simple instructions on how to care for his arm, and gently asked him if he would like her to reattach the prosthetic for him. He declined before she could fully articulate the question. He couldn’t even bear to look at it. Her lips pressed into a thin line at that, but she nodded curtly and stepped away to pick up a small pile of clothes that had been sitting in one of the chairs at the side of the room.

“Hanzo brought these for you while you were out,” she told Jesse, smiling softly.

He nodded, taking the clothes from Angela and heading for the bathroom. The kind, domestic gesture from Hanzo made his heart ache even worse.

“Let me know if you need any assistance, Jesse.”

Jesse grit his teeth and grunted noncommittally. He nearly stumbled into the door frame as he entered the bathroom, but he managed to swerve in time to keep himself upright. Getting into his clothes proved more of a challenge with just the one arm, but he managed to get them on straight eventually. Hanzo had apparently had the wherewithal to leave Jesse’s belt and chaps out of the equation, having brought him a simple t-shirt and blue jeans, and Jesse’s heart wrestled with the rush of warmth he felt realizing the thought Hanzo had put into this simple, loving act.

He left the bathroom standing a little taller, feeling more secure in his own clothes. Angela stepped forward to take the hospital gown from him and set it in a laundry basket beside the bed. Jesse stared at his detached prosthetic for a lingering moment until it began to stir up that pesky nauseous feeling. He turned on his heel to head for the door.

Angela cleared her throat. “One more thing before you leave, Jesse.”

Jesse stopped, frowning to himself. He begrudgingly turned back around.

“Winston and I have decided that you should take a temporary leave from missions.”

Jesse opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand.

“I also recommended to him that you and I should sit down together and do a psych evaluation while you are on leave. From there, we can discuss follow-up sessions if need be, as well as determine if you are ready to return to active status or not.”

“You’re forcing me into a psych eval?! What for? Since when does it matter what my mental state is as long as I can shoot straight?” Jesse snapped, his hand curling into a fist as anger bloomed in his chest. The audacity, after all his time in Blackwatch doing awful things for the “greater good” without anyone batting an eye in his direction, for her to question his mental state enough to pull him off missions-

“Jesse,” Angela said firmly, “you tried to kill yourself.”

Jesse sputtered, the anger in his chest dying down slightly as shock sobered him. “I- I wasn’t- I’m not suicidal.”

“You put a gun to your head and pulled the trigger. It is a miracle you are not dead.”

“I was trying to save Hanzo.”

“We understand that,” Angela conceded, “but since then, you have shown multiple signs of PTSD-“

“Who here doesn’t have PTSD?”

“-you became so absorbed by what appeared to be flashbacks that you lashed out and attacked your fellow agents, you inflicted harm on yourself by trying to rip your prosthetic off, and you now refuse to wear the prosthetic for an unknown reason.”

“Unknown reason? That thing almost killed the man I love!”

“You would have me send a soldier into battle with only one arm?”

“That’s not-“ Jesse spat, “that’s not the point.”

“Isn’t it?”

Jesse snarled, hackles raised. “I’ve seen you send soldiers into battle with much worse.”

Angela blinked rapidly a few times, staring at him. Hurt was written into every line of her face. “I did what was necessary.” She took a breath, shook her head. “I lost good people by not providing them with sufficient care, by looking over the exact same signs I’m seeing in you right now. I won’t make those mistakes again.”

Regret flared in his chest. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” she replied softly. “But please, Jesse, let me help you.”

“I’m not sure there’s much anyone can do to help me at this point.”

“Let me try.”

Jesse sighed deeply through his nose. He wasn’t built to deal with this kind of stuff. With other people, for Hanzo, sure, but when it came to his own issues, trying to fix them was just too exhausting to even think about. Angela stepped forward, gingerly pulling Jesse down into a hug. Jesse relaxed into her embrace, returning it with his good arm.

“You’re a good man, Jesse. I can’t bear the thought of losing you to your demons.”

Jesse chuckled dryly in response. Sarcasm or self-deprecation, he wasn’t sure.

Angela continued on, unfazed, “you’re welcome to schedule a time for the appointment whenever you’d like, or just drop by if I’m not busy. Take the time you need, but don’t let it fester, alright?”

Jesse nodded against the side of her head, lingering for a moment before gently pulling away from her. Angela gave him a watery smile, and he offered a one-sided grin in return, but his heart wasn’t in it. He really wasn’t happy about this turn of events, but he supposed there wasn’t much to do about it now. He gave Angela, at her insistence, verbal confirmation that he would come see her for an evaluation, and she handed him a few supplies he would need to take care of his stump before finally letting him leave.

He somberly trudged in the direction of his quarters, purposefully avoiding the busier parts of the base so he wouldn’t have to answer any invasive questions about his missing limb. Once he got back to his room, he dumped his things on the bed and brushed his teeth for good measure before slipping a jacket over his shoulders and stepping back into the hallway. He had to find Hanzo before the archer stirred up too many self-deprecating thoughts about himself as a result of Jesse’s earlier dismissal. The guilt in Jesse’s stomach felt like lead.

Genji’s door – two down from his own – slid open just as Jesse passed by it, and he was greeted with a puff of steam to the face as the cyborg’s vents released pressure and subsequently blinded him for a moment. Genji stepped out in front of him, politely removing his face mask so they could make eye contact. That didn’t bode well.

“I’m sorry for interrupting you Jesse, but I wanted to stop you for a moment to properly apologize for what I did to you during the mission.”

Jesse waved his hand dismissively. “No need.”

“I have no doubt that by removing your arm, I triggered bad memories for you. I am very sorry. I couldn’t think of another way to save both you and Hanzo. I never wanted to hurt you, my friend.”

Jesse forced himself to redirect his attention to Genji, the furrow in the cyborg’s scarred brow and the guilty set of his lips saying more than his words did. Jesse pushed a smile onto his face. “I know Genji, I forgive you.”

Genji leapt forward to hug Jesse for a short moment, then bounced back on his heels, seemingly satisfied. “Thank you, Jesse. Now, what’s wrong? You seem upset.”

The cowboy sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. “I asked Hanzo to leave me alone when I woke up earlier and I’m sure he didn’t take it well. I’m looking for him, to apologize for… everything.”

Genji hummed his understanding. “I can help, if you want,” he offered, rocking back and forth in place.

Jesse shook his head, looking down at his feet. “Thanks, but I think it’s best I do this on my own.”

“Okay, sure,” Genji replied, putting his face mask back on with a soft _click_. “Just text me if you need anything. And Jesse?”

“Yeah?”

“Just remember that Hanzo loves you.”

“Yeah.”

Genji disappeared back into his room, and Jesse was alone again. He was relieved that conversation had been much simpler than the one Angela had cornered him into. He took a moment to collect himself. He had to find Hanzo and make things right. He strode forward with purpose, shame and regret melting into resolve and determination. Hanzo didn’t deserve the way Jesse’d dismissed him, hack or not, arm or not, this was the man Jesse loved, and he’d probably hurt Hanzo worse by sending him away than he had by strangling him. Jesse winced, trying to push the memory of Hanzo’s face all twisted up out of his mind, unsuccessfully.

He thought back to something Hanzo had once said in the depths of the dark, early hours of the morning when the whole world was too busy sleeping to pay heed to two broken men comforting each other through a thousandth recurring nightmare. “We may have done monstrous things, but that does not make us monsters.”

That was a hard lesson for each of them to learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm curious to know what you all think about the way Jesse acted in this chapter. I read a lot of fics where he's portrayed very soft and happy and charming, which he absolutely is, but I also like to explore the darker parts of him a little, how he lost his arm, his traumas, his anger at how Blackwatch ended, etc. It's funny though, this fic was originally meant to be Hanzo-angst-centric, but welp. Whoops!! I hope you're all enjoying it anyways!! I promise that Hanzo and Jesse will have some real interaction in the next chapter. I've decided that this fic is going to be twice as long as I originally planned, since this chapter (which I've now split into two chapters) was originally 6000 words. Plus, I had an idea for a little bonus chapter at the end. So, you can expect the next chapter in about a week, which will tie up the main plot of this fic, and then a little extra chapter full of feels to wrap everything up. As always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!! Thank you all for reading!! I'll see you next week!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section down below. Kudos are also very much appreciated!! I'm curious if you have any predictions about what will happen next. How do you think Hanzo will feel about what happened in this chapter? I'll see you in the next one!!
> 
> Come hang out with me on Twitter!! I'll be posting some previews of the next chapter there before it goes up!!  
> Twitter: @Jinxed__Forever  
> Link To My Twitter  
> Tumblr: @jinxed-forever  
> Instagram: @jinxed_forever


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesse let go of Hanzo’s hand and brought his touch to his partner’s neck, gently brushing his fingers against the scarf Hanzo was wearing. Hanzo followed his movement, cupping the top of Jesse’s hand with his palm, holding him close, and he pressed his lips to Jesse’s fingers.
> 
> “That was not your fault,” Hanzo said simply, diverting his eyes.
> 
> “Regardless of whose fault it is, it still wasn’t right. I nearly killed you Hanzo. I could-“ Jesse’s breath hitched, “I could feel your heartbeat fading right under my fingers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I'm really happy with how this chapter turned out, I hope you all will be too!! The loves finally get to talk it out, and see where their relationship is going to go in the aftermath of all this angst. Thank you so much for reading!! Kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated!!

Jesse checked four of Hanzo’s seven main hiding spots around the watchpoint before eventually finding the archer curled up in the fifth. Hanzo likely chose this one because he wasn’t aware Jesse knew it existed. In hindsight, he probably should have checked this one first because of that fact, but Jesse wasn’t really functioning at full capacity. He wondered if he’d subconsciously checked some of the other spots first so he’d have the time to sort out what he was going to say to Hanzo once he did find him. The thought made the guilt in his chest thicken.

Hanzo was curled up in the corner of two rafters, high up in one of Gibraltar’s less-used warehouses, the only trace of him the subtle glint of the gold scarf woven through his hair under industrial lighting. The archer had surely heard Jesse enter the room, but he made no move to acknowledge him or come down, so Jesse strode over to stand at the bottom of the ladder leading up to the metal catwalk above him. He then realized he wouldn’t be able to climb up the ladder with only one arm. Unless he wanted to use his teeth, but he wasn’t really a big fan of putting his mouth where other people’s shoes had been.

Jesse took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, cupping his one hand around his mouth and calling up to Hanzo, “Sweetheart, could’ya come down here so we can talk?”

Hanzo shifted a bit, and a fine waterfall of dust rained down into Jesse’s eyes. Jesse sputtered and backed away, biting out a curse under his breath as his eyes stung and watered. He was pretty sure Hanzo’d done that on purpose. Jesse pressed his lips into a thin line, blinking away the tears in his eyes.

“Please?” He shouted, “I’m sorry for sending you away earlier, that was wrong of me and I want to apologize to your face.”

He picked up on a nearly inaudible sigh, and he knew he’d gotten through to Hanzo. The metal above him groaned as Hanzo moved, bracing his hands on either side of a beam and sliding down to the ground. Jesse winced; Hanzo’s landing was graceful, but Jesse hoped he was wearing gloves. Hanzo stood with his back to Jesse for a drawn moment, dusting his palms off on his pants. He seemed to take a deep breath, shake his head at himself, and turn to face Jesse.

“There is no need to apologize,” Hanzo started softly, “I understand you were under immense stress and in significant pain. How are you feeling?”

Jesse swallowed thickly. Hanzo wouldn’t look at him. “Han, I shouldn’t have said what I did. Especially not like that. I do want you. I want you with me. Please tell me you know that.”

_Please tell me you know that I love you, even after everything._

Jesse hesitantly reached for Hanzo’s hand, and the archer reluctantly let Jesse wind their fingers together.

Hanzo finally looked up at him. “Then, why?” He asked, voice wavering like he was afraid to hear the answer. His wide, questioning eyes stared right up at Jesse’s.

Jesse’s face crumpled, and his stump twitched as he tried to move his missing arm to push his fingers through his hair. “Cause I feel awful for what I did to you,” he murmured.

Jesse let go of Hanzo’s hand and brought his touch to his partner’s neck, gently brushing his fingers against the scarf Hanzo was wearing. Hanzo followed his movement, cupping the top of Jesse’s hand with his palm, holding him close, and he pressed his lips to Jesse’s fingers.

“That was not your fault,” Hanzo said simply, diverting his eyes.

“Regardless of whose fault it is, it still wasn’t right. I nearly killed you Hanzo. I could-“ Jesse’s breath hitched, “I could feel your heartbeat fading right under my fingers.”

“Jess…”

“How could you ever forgive me for that?” Jesse choked out, taking his hand back and pressing it against his eyes. “How can you even look at me?”

Hanzo’s hands came up to cup Jesse’s head. “I love you, Jesse.”

“How can you love me?!” Jesse cried, then swallowed and began again, growing quieter with each word he spoke. “I hurt you- I hurt you real bad. I’m no better than my father. I’m no better than _your_ father.”

A hand wrapped around Jesse’s wrist and tugged his arm away from his eyes in one smooth motion, and he looked down at Hanzo, a little shocked. Hanzo was glaring up at him, a flash of incredulous anger in his dark irises. “Don’t you dare say that about yourself, Jesse McCree,” Hanzo snapped. “You are nothing like them. _Nothing_.”

Jesse flinched, hiccupping on a sob.

Hanzo’s expression eased from anger to sadness. He hummed softly, guiding Jesse’s hand to his own chest and pressing Jesse’s palm to his heart. “Here, feel. I am alive. You did not kill me.” He paused for a moment as Jesse cried quietly into the empty space between them. “I forgive you,” Hanzo finished simply.

Jesse sniffled, unable to stop himself from asking the question on his mind. “Are you forgiving me because you understand what I did was wrong and accept my apology, or are you forgiving me because you’re used to being hurt like this and you think it’s what you deserve?”

Hanzo looked up at him sadly, using his free hand to wipe tears off Jesse’s cheeks. “I am forgiving you because I know you never wanted to hurt me in the first place. You were not in control of your actions, and you would have killed yourself before you would have killed me.”

Jesse’s breath caught, and he blinked tears out of his eyes as the ache in his heart eased just a little bit. He inhaled, finally feeling like he could take a deep enough breath to fill his lungs. “Oh, god, Hanzo,” he gasped out, leaning forward and letting Hanzo support his weight.

Hanzo did so easily, gathering Jesse in his arms and holding him close, rubbing one hand down his back as the other stroked his neck. “I know, Love. I know. I have you. You are safe. I am safe. We are okay,” Hanzo murmured into his ear.

They stood there like that for a few minutes, wrapped around each other as Hanzo whispered assurances to Jesse as he sobbed, before Hanzo pulled back so he could look at Jesse’s face. He used both hands and the ends of his scarf to wipe the tears from Jesse’s cheeks. He spoke quietly, “I was so afraid I was going to lose you, Jess.”

Jesse smiled dismally, leaning into his partner’s touch. “I’m sorry darlin’. I couldn’t think of anything else to do.”

“I understand,” Hanzo replied,” but please do not ever do anything like that again. I could not bear to live without you.”

Jesse nodded slowly, unsure if he could really promise what Hanzo was asking. “I’ll do my best, sweet pea.”

Hanzo smiled sadly, rearranging Jesse’s hair so it was out of his eyes. The archer stayed silent, concern etched deeply into his face. Jesse was sure that neither of them would be sleeping well for months to come, but he was so exhausted he could barely keep himself upright. He knew this mission would leave a scar on their relationship, but Hanzo seemed solid in his decision to forgive Jesse, so Jesse would try to be solid for him, too.

“Come, let us sit and have some tea. It will help calm your nervous system,” Hanzo prodded matter-of-factly, taking Jesse’s hand and guiding him out of the warehouse.

Jesse followed along silently, feeling a bit like a duckling trailing after its mother. Hanzo was getting so much better at comforting people; it made warmth bloom in Jesse’s chest every time he watched the archer lay a blanket over a sleeping teammate or bring them tea or salves after a particularly rough training session. The resentful, stoic man who’d arrived at Overwatch so many months ago seemed like a distant memory. Jesse had the fleeting thought that Hanzo would make a good father, and almost squeaked out loud at the revelation, and at himself for having it. He blushed furiously, but Hanzo was too busy making a path for them to notice.

Jesse absentmindedly nodded at the other agents they passed on their way through the halls. Thankfully, the jacket slung over his shoulders was enough to deter any uncomfortable questioning about his arm, and by some miracle, the kitchen was empty when they arrived. Hanzo led Jesse to a chair and pulled away, turning towards the cupboards to make them both a warm drink. Jesse’s hand immediately grew cold, and he tucked it against his stomach. Hanzo wordlessly pattered around the large kitchen, eventually sliding a plate of reheated leftovers in front of Jesse along with a steaming mug of tea. Hanzo sat down across from him, pulling out his data pad and crossing his legs under the table.

Hanzo had the uncanny ability to know when Jesse needed quiet; his gift at reading body language was one of the countless things Jesse admired about him. Jesse tucked into his food with a soft “thank you,” forcing himself to eat slowly so he wouldn’t upset his stomach. Minutes ticked by in silence, the only sound the scrape of Jesse’s fork on the plate. When he was nearly done with his meal, he looked up, watching Hanzo’s head tilt back as he sipped his tea. Jesse could just barely make out the edge of a dark ring of bruises encircling the archer’s throat, but the sight disappeared in an instant. Nausea curled in Jesse’s stomach, and he sipped at his drink in an attempt to quell it.

It would take more than accepted apologies and sweet words for Jesse to forgive himself for what he’d done.

He decided he was done with his food, so they cleared away the dishes – well, mostly Hanzo did, Jesse was fairly useless with only the one arm – and Jesse followed Hanzo back to his room. Hanzo beckoned him inside, and Jesse hesitated on the threshold for a moment before he caved. He slipped his boots off and awkwardly perched on the edge of Hanzo’s bed. Hanzo sat down beside him, close but not overbearing, and as Jesse’s eyes finally unpeeled themselves from the floor, he noticed the glint of his prosthetic sitting in a cushioned box on the far side of the room.

“Hanzo,” he started, shrinking away from it slightly.

Hanzo gently shushed him, setting a wide hand on his back. “It is alright Jesse, it is just here for safekeeping. You do not have to reattach it; I can cover it up if that would put you at ease.”

Hanzo’s expression was so open, completely focused on Jesse and seemingly unaffected by the hunk of metal that’d nearly killed him. Jesse took a breath, conflicted. “No, leave it,” he said after a moment, resigned to the fact that he would eventually have to get used to the prosthetic again if he was planning to go back out in the field.

“Okay.” Hanzo seemed to falter for a moment, leaving space for Jesse to say something more. He didn’t. “Would you like to lay down? You look tired.”

Jesse didn’t, really, fearing the nightmares and flashbacks that awaited him in the depths of sleep, but his exhaustion was bone deep, and he would have to succumb to the need eventually, so he nodded complacently. He let Hanzo push him down on the bed and pull his jeans off him as he stared blankly up at the ceiling. He felt the warmth of Hanzo’s cushioned duvet being draped over him, and he subconsciously snuggled into the dark blue fabric. Hanzo helped reposition him so his head was on a soft pillow, and Jesse smiled softly to himself as he felt Hanzo lay down behind him and press his chest to Jesse’s back.

Hanzo’s hands gently wrapped around Jesse’s waist, and the archer nuzzled his nose into the back of Jesse’s shoulder. “I have you,” Hanzo murmured, “you are safe.”

Jesse hummed his assent.

“You can rest, love. The fighting is done,” Hanzo continued, fingers splaying over Jesse’s stomach.

Something in Jesse’s chest eased, and he huffed out the air he’d been holding in. Whenever Jesse came home tense from a mission and couldn’t sleep, that’s what Hanzo would say to him to help him relax. It was familiar, comforting. Jesse remembered Genji telling him once how Hanzo would comfort him as a child when he had nightmares or saw something he wasn’t meant to, and Jesse felt a surge of grief in his chest for the things that had been done to break this part of Hanzo. Tears leaked from Jesse’s eyes and bled into the pillow.

Not for the first time, he wondered what kind of sick world they lived in for someone with such a warm, loving heart as Hanzo to be born into such a cruel fate. Where was the lesson in that?

Hanzo rubbed Jesse’s belly and kissed the back of his neck sweetly, humming a nondescript tune so quietly Jesse could barely hear it, but could feel the vibrations in Hanzo’s chest. He’d sworn to himself that no matter what happened between them, Jesse would always keep Hanzo from getting hurt again. He’d suffered so much already. Yet, Jesse had been the one to put his hands around Hanzo’s throat yesterday.

“I can hear you thinking,” Hanzo murmured.

Jesse’s breath hitched, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He placed his palm over the top of one of Hanzo’s hands. “I love you so damn much, darlin’.”

“I love you too, Jesse,” Hanzo pushed himself closer, until they were pressed together shoulder-to-hip. “Concentrate. You should be able to feel my heartbeat.”

Jesse let out his breath, focusing on the feeling of the archer’s body, and he could faintly pickup the strong, steady heartbeat of his partner. “Mmm…”

“Rest, Jesse.”

Jesse relaxed, going slack against the pillows. Hanzo gave him a soft squeeze, and began carding a hand through his hair. Jesse allowed himself to be lulled to sleep, warm and calm and safe.

It took four days and a session with Angela for Jesse to reconnect his prosthetic, and even then, he struggled with its extra weight, physically and emotionally. Hanzo supported him however he could, reassuring him and touching the prosthetic frequently, reminding Jesse that it wasn’t his fault, and that the hack had been completely erased, and that new firewalls had been built to prevent something like this from ever happening again. Torbjorn had installed a manual kill switch to cut off all power to the prosthetic should something like this ever happen again, and Jesse practiced using it until the motion became muscle memory.

Jesse attended multiple sessions with Angela after the original psych evaluation, and as much as he loathed to admit it, they helped, somewhat. Jesse had been taught to shield his vulnerabilities, lock his emotions away or simply shove them down until he didn’t feel them anymore, but Angela had a matter-of-fact way of asking questions and offering reassurances that helped him open up more than he would have thought possible. Hanzo doted on him all the while, even coming to a couple of Jesse’s therapy sessions to sit in and learn to better understand Jesse’s patterns and how to help him cope. They also discussed how their relationship was going, and it helped drastically to have another’s word confirming what both Hanzo and Jesse thought about the situation. Jesse was given permission to start going on missions within two weeks of the incident, and working for Overwatch helped him begin to feel like a good person again.

Things settled back into a rhythm for him and Hanzo eventually, but intimacy remained difficult for Jesse to initiate. Hanzo was patient with him whether it was with a guiding touch or pulling back and giving Jesse some space to cool off and process. It didn’t take long for Hanzo’s injuries to heal and disappear, but the invisible scars haunted Jesse in the depths of his subconscious. Hanzo seemed to have no such reservations and just continued to love Jesse in the face of all his demons, just as Jesse had done for Hanzo time and time again.

The hacker turned out to be one of Talon’s new recruits, Sombra, who, when confronted about the hack during the two minutes they managed to ensnare her, insisted she never would have forced Jesse to finish the job, but refused to give up any further information. She slipped right through their fingers, leaving Jesse feeling empty and worn down, and he spent hours straight shooting practice dummies when they got back from that mission in an attempt to work out all the pain and anger that rose in the aftermath of the numbness. Hanzo and Angela dragged Jesse back to his room after he’d run himself so low he’d collapsed, and Hanzo held and kissed and touched him until the anger was a receding thought. He had nightmares that night, but he awoke to Hanzo’s soft, concerned smile, and was reminded that no, he hadn’t killed the man dearest to his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for following this story to its end! I am still planning to write a little one shot after this, so keep your eyes peeled for that! I really enjoyed writing this chapter, seeing as it's a good balance of angst and fluff, so I hope you enjoyed reading it as well! I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter in the comments section down below. Kudos are great too!! <3 I hope you have a wonderful day!

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on Twitter!! I'll be posting some previews of the next chapter there before it goes up!!  
> Twitter: @Jinxed__Forever  
> [Link To My Twitter](https://twitter.com/Jinxed__Forever)  
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